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11 September 2014 @ 04:08 am
Gods and the Universe be blessed  
We had a meeting with the doctors—finally!—at the hospital in the late afternoon, so my uncles and father were there, plus my godfather's wife, my mother and me (since we spend the afternoon together, then went to the hospital). So, the three brothers met the doctors while the rest of us waited in the room, mostly speaking about recent events: the wedding and my grandmother, and how my aunt is pissed with one of my cousin because she speaks bullshit and spreads false rumors (always learning new drama-material, it's quite fascinating~).

After that, when they were out, I knew something wasn't right because my father clicked his tongue and completely ignored us to go to the end of the corridor. My grandmother was still being dialysed at that point so we were alone in her room, and when my uncles entered, Tatiana's dad began sobbing. And, really, for a moment, I thought she was dead.

She wasn't. In fact, we finally learnt twas a lung cancer (well, started in the lungs since at that state, it's more like an everywhere-cancer). The thing was that the three of them were completely jerked out of 'semi-denial' state (Tatiana's dad still genuinely had hope, poor man) because the doctors had a big dilemma.

My grandmother had reacted badly to the dialysis the last couple of time: one of her dialysis fistulas was completely unusable (her body just couldn't bear it anymore and they couldn't put the needle in) and because of that, they can't even complete the dialysis because they need the two fistulas to do so. So, it's basically have a 50% dialysis. And today her reaction was even worse and sent her heart racing.

So, the Doctors exposed the two choices:

1) Trying to follow through the dialysis and there would've been complications. And they weren't even sure if she could bear it (because it's terribly painful for her, would've been too 'easy' if it wasn't~).

2) Stopping dialysis altogether and she would've something like one week left to live.

They told us we hadn't had to take the decision today because they wanted to try again tomorrow, then decide what was better in relation to how she'd react. So yeah, the three of them kinda fell hard, completely crashed actually. Also, they told us that one of us could stay with her this night.

And for the first time in ten years, I genuinely prayed. Not to God, obviously, since I lost my faith in the end of middle school, when I read the whole Bible, but I'm polytheist (not for a distinct cult though) so to whatever deities/spirits that could help and the Universe. As horrible as it might sound, I prayed for her to die already.

Reasons are simple, the longer it goes on, the worse it'll be, especially for her. Plus, my uncles would've have to choose between two possibilities that were equally horrible for them (though my mother, my aunt and me were for 2, concentrating on making her leave in the best condition possible, sure that she was supported and loved through the end).

Anyway after that, at some point she was back in the room and we spent some time with her, then made our goodbyes before she went to sleep since she had a very rough day.

And as the title says, gods and the Universe be blessed.

Around midnight (so, a little over 3 hours ago), the hospital called to announce she'd passed away. I'm so grateful and relieved because she won't have to suffer anymore, nor my dad and uncles will have to make that horrible choice of how she'll die (plus, it skips the getting-over-the-denial part). I can only hope that she died when she was sleeping.

Also, for the first time in my entire life, I heard my father crying over the phone; gods, it made me so uneasy that I kept my eyes on the laptop and anywhere but on him): he was announcing my grandmother's passing to Tatiana's dad, who must've believe twas a bad joke until my father repeated the news while breaking down.

Funnily enough, the call happened while I was making these three Deep Breath icons:

Another 'fun' note. I've got my first day of school tomorrow (as in 5 hours and a half). Well, not a proper school day because the school term begins on the 29th. We'll just be given our timetables and visit the school and see our class. Wizz, my beloved first rabbit died the night of the preparatory day. The universe seems to have a strong sense of coincidences today, and I love it XD A little more of these and I should probably start searching for some signification in that.

And to finish on positive notes.

I could say goodbye. My grandmother won't suffer anymore. Even though the death was sudden, it's better that way because nobody will torture themselves by having false hopes of a miraculous recovery that couldn't have happened. And I was prepared for that since I first heard she had cancer anyway. All things considered, I'm pretty fine. Nothing like the trainwreck I was when Wizz died and I know humans and animals shouldn't be compared, but Wizz's death hit me so hard that I began silently crying when we were in the car to the veterinary clinic (as though I never cry from 'negative' emotions in front of other people, I find it extremely embarrassing and awkward and it makes me feel weak as fuck).

But staying positive, I can't wait to be in a few hours and get my timetable and see more of the school. Also, I'll meet Proto at the Melt in the evening. My mother gave me a white scarf with shiny golden dots and we agreed twas time to buy some stuff for the flat at a later date. We bought a few delicious macarons from Sadaharu Aoki, expensive as hell but so damn delicious. I choose two for my mother—violet/raspberry and yuzu—while I got to have three of them: yuzu, cassis and houjicha (green tea rosted in a porcelain pot over charcoal).

And I've been extremely lucky that Bestie and antliae_1 were there at the right time and I could speak of happened with them a little bit.

edit: News! She died awake, but peacefully while holding a nurse's hand. We won't know her last words though because there were in gasy.
Mood: indescribableindescribable
Music: Murray Gold — To Save the Doctor
Ms. Clever: Forehead Kissirishvampire13 on September 11th, 2014 02:14 am (UTC)
I'm sorry about your grandmother. But it's good that she isn't suffering anymore.

♥ *hugggggggggggggg*
Luo: Zero — Looking at the skyluorescence on September 11th, 2014 02:29 am (UTC)
Yeah, that's what matters in the end.

*squishes you*
Azzie's corner of madness: Victorianflowsoffire on September 11th, 2014 06:11 am (UTC)
I'm sorry about your grandmother, but I get you… we felt the same when my uncle died, at one point there is just only more suffering and distress ahead. And it's good your family was spared the terribly difficult choice… ♥

Glad to hear about the positive stuff, too ♥
antliae_1: pic#113795751antliae_1 on September 11th, 2014 08:28 am (UTC)

maria: medivalgirlasia27 on September 11th, 2014 01:16 pm (UTC)
Condolences on your losses and I wiish you the best in your school year...
     Mandya_phoenixdragon on September 12th, 2014 10:33 am (UTC)
Bless you, lovie...I'm glad she is at peace. And I must admit I'm glad your family didn't have to make such awful decisions...

*hugs you hard*